


Party boys don't get hurt

by AgapantoBlu



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, More or Less Really, Post-Break Up, Sex Addiction, This is really dark and angsty sorry, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 03:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14275479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgapantoBlu/pseuds/AgapantoBlu
Summary: In one reality, Nicky and Erik break up.[...] At the airport, Erik kisses him one last time and Nicky smiles a tremulous thing before boarding. On his plane, he erases Erik’s number before the hostess asks him to turn his phone off.





	Party boys don't get hurt

 

_**"** **Party girls don't get hurt.**_   
_**Can't feel anything, when will I learn?** _   
_**I push it down, push it down.** _

_**I'm the one for a good time call,** _   
_**phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell;** _   
_**I feel the love, feel the love.** _ _**"** _

_**Chandelier - Sia** _

 

In one reality, Nicky and Erik break up.

It’s not an ugly break-up, though it’s not an happy one. The news of Tilda’s death comes sudden and Nicky breaks down  _hard_  at the idea of Aaron in his parents’ hands. Erik watches years of work on his mental health crumble in front of his eyes and he can’t stand it, so they sit down and talk. They make plans, check costs and incomes, verify stuff, and the picture that stares at them at the end of it is only one.

Erik smiles, a pained little thing that’s made miserable by the red on his cheeks and the moisture in his eyes, by the tears running down his cheeks shamelessly, free. “I’ll never forget you, Nicky. I’ll keep loving you no matter which label we decide to give to this—  _us_.”

Nicky sobs. It’s full of tears and muffled screams and “ _I love you_ ”s and “ _I’m sorry_ ”s, of “ _you saved me_ ”s and “ _it’s not fair_ ”s. It’s a hug that lasts thirteen hours and moves them from the kitchen to the couch to the bed, that gets them a noise complaint at two a.m.

At the airport, Erik kisses him one last time and Nicky smiles a tremulous thing before boarding. On his plane, he erases Erik’s number before the hostess asks him to turn his phone off.

 

Andrew and Aaron don’t make it easy. Nicky tries and tries and fails and tries again, and trembles and bends and folds around himself and his phone to cry at night. It’s hard, so hard, until one day Aaron gets out of the bathroom,  _clean_ , and Nicky blinks once.

Andrew will deny to his death, but he cares, in his own way. It’s enough for Nicky to breath a bit again.

 

The job at Eden’s help. Sweetie’s was temporary, because he didn’t feel okay smuggling drugs after all that happened to Aaron, but the staff here is almost family and it’s nice. Roland takes one deeper look at him, nods and pulls out a bottle of berries flavored vodka, before settling it down in between them and asking about that man. Nicky hasn’t spoken about Erik for so long that when he does it’s like a dam is broken. Roland is patient and interested and laughs when the moment calls for him, but also grabs Nicky’s shoulder and pulls him into a hug when it gets harder to talk through the sobs.

Roland says he’s in equal measure lucky and unlucky to have something like that to his name. “Some people never experience a love like that their whole lives, and that’s a damn shame because it sounds like the most wonderful thing in this universe,—” he smiles, sad, as he scratches Nicky’s nape, “—but to have it and lose it is so damn hard. It set the bar so high I don’t know how you’ll settle for something less.” 

Nicky doesn’t tell him he’s not sure he’ll ever settle. They finish the bottle.

 

Nicky is gay. He’s open about it, because the last thing he needs for his mental health is going back to the closet.

Eden’s is full of gay men perfectly willing. Nicky sneaks in quickies with them during his break, never brings anyone home, always leaves as soon as they’re both done. He makes excuses — his break’s over, he has the twins to look after, he’s got enough problems without adding a relationship to it — but Rolan always looks at him when he comes back, and there’s something sad to his gaze.

“Do you even know his name?,” he asks one day.

Nicky sticks his tongue out at him. “Don’t slut-shame me!”

“You know that’s not it.”

He does.

He also knows he doesn’t practice safe sex as often as it warrant, which would be always if he were to trust what he tells the twins, and that means he’s over at Planned Parenthood for check-ups enough for the secretary to start recognizing him. His doctor takes him in a bit longer at his fourth visit, to ask about his situation, his reasons, is he okay?, and slips him the number of a psychologist after their chat is over.

Nicky throws the note away as soon as he’s out.

 

When the twins make it to senior year, Nicky is so scared they’ll end up some weird rabbit hole that he gets them both jobs at Eden’s. Roland is an angel and looks after them so well that Nicky doesn’t feel bad about squirreling away with someone every now and then, although far less often that he used to.

The twins are observant, though. Enough that he can feel them looking when he’s got his back turned, enough that their gazes are starting to wear his spine away.

Enough that when he hides in the back alley to avoid their prying, he’s so terrified at the idea of a confrontation that he sticks there even when a group of men comes over swaying and yelling and calling homophobic slurs.

 

Andrew is overprotective of his things, Nicky has always known. He just never knew that he counted among those.

He cries the hardest as he watches the cops slam his cousin against the car hood. He tries to yell at them to let him go, but he’s got broken ribs and all that comes out is a wet wheeze through bloodied lips.

Aaron’s hand is in his fringe, where it stopped when he tried to cart it through his hair and found a wound on his nape. His eyes are so wide and fearful, but maybe it’s the drugs that the paramedics are slipping into Nicky.

They take him away in the ambulance before he gets to say at least  _thank you_.

 

The trial is kind of a win. Forced medication doesn’t count as bad as years in prison, so Nicky will take it because it’s the only good thing in the chaos they are currently facing.

Andrew’s mania is scaring, but his fierce protectiveness is enough for Nicky to breath again. Aaron is a good nurse, and Nicky tells him so as the twin helps him through almost everything for the next month. But the truth is, between legal expenses and his hospital recovery, they built up a huge debt. Sure, Eden’s paid it all off and they gave Nicky a very good deal for returning the money, but it still feel as if he’s drowning, up until the day Coach David Wymack of the Palmetto State Foxes shows up with his eyes set on Andrew.

On Andrew, who doesn’t care about anyone but his family and even that is a touch and go kinda thing. On Aaron, who wants to be a doctor but has a past of substance abuse. On Nicky, who’d gladly take a bite off tall, broad, tattoo-ed David, except his ribs are still frail and everything of the man screams  _straight_  and  _I am not into kids half my age, Hemmick_ ; which is hilarious because it’s been years since Nicky’s been forced to become an adult.

In the end, they go, mainly because, what’s the other option? He still thinks coach is a perfect DILF.

 

College is good because even the best of the Foxes in their best days are a threat that should not be overlooked, and Andrew is too busy watching out for them to keep track of what Nicky gets up to, which swimmer is he dating (none, but he’s slept his way through half the roaster before Aaron starts realizing the name keeps changing) and how many hours he spends at the library (none, none, none).

Wymack doesn’t try to force him to go to Betsy more regularly, like Andrew, but he does look at him, sometimes, as if he could feel Nicky slipping from his fingers.

Abby corners him after a match and slips him a box of condoms. She’s not exactly old but every one of her years finds nest at the corner of her eyes, tonight. “Please, Nicky,—” she says, and he’s so conditioned that he almost jump at the word, “—just be safe.”

The Foxes know everything about self-destruction. She knows better than to think this is just sex.

Nicky smiles at her and leaves with the packet in his bag. Sometimes he remembers to pull it out, sometimes he doesn’t.

 

“You do realize you’re lucky you’re still clean, don’t you?” Nicky doesn’t answer. Aaron and Andrew are busy testing their new subject, broken and scared Kevin Day from the Ravens, so Roland is the only one who saw him leave for the back rooms with a man twice his age and a leather harness on. “Nicky, listen to me—“ 

“You’re a well-respected club, you know who you let in and who you don’t, and I’ve stuck to athletes on college, who all take physicals every so often,” he mumbles. “I’m as safe as I can be.”

“You and I both know that’s bullshit, Nicholas,” Roland doesn’t say full names for the Hell of it. Roland says his, and Nicky grabs his own hair and starts to pull.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” he says.

“That’s the point,—“ Roland reaches out to make him soften his grip, “—I don’t want anything  _from_  you. I just want you to be careful.”

Nicky doesn’t know that word. Erik was always careful for both of them.

He jerks, when he realizes he’s done the forbidden, thought the name he’d been avoiding so hard for so long. His eyes widen and meet Roland’s knowing ones. “You couldn’t have gone on hiding it your whole life, Nicky.”

Yes, he could have. It was the plan, after all?

He doesn’t stay to hear more. Instead, he joins the others and he wonders if fucking Kevin would get him in troubles with Andrew or the other way.

 

Kevin has green eyes. Nicky doesn’t stop to think about who else shares the trait.

 

Kevin is so Exy-driven it’s impossible to get his attention to anything else, but it also means it’s impossible to bullshit about matters like health, rest, hours of practice. With his pointed accusations at Nicky’s eye-bags, barely existent meals and disappearing nature, it’s just a matter of weeks before Andrew and Aaron are back on his trails.

Nicky flies low for a while. He can’t stray for the team for long enough and, honestly, there’s only so many of them. Excluding his cousins and Kevin — because he’s now  _Andrew’s_  and Nicky is not going to go there —, excluding Boyd because he’s taken and faithful, excluding the druggies of their team, Nicky knows there’s one person left whose homophobia is a bit too rampant and stubborn to be genuine.

Seth never fucks him when he’s good with Reynolds. Nicky gets it: she’s gorgeous and strong and  _good for him_ ; while he’s a mess who’s using him as an unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s fine, mostly because that relationship is so rocky the times of distance never last for long.

When Seth and Allison fight, though, Nicky is the first to know. Seth texts him, he singles himself out and then they fuck, rough and hard and painful enough to leave Nicky in tears by the end of it, but that’s okay because it’s exactly what he needs. Seth is never vocal, like he’s trying to keep this a secret even from himself; Nicky sometimes wants to help, but then he thinks better of trying. If he gets himself punched, not only he loses a fuck-buddy, but Andrew will go on a rampage and try to kill someone and, no, thanks, they’ve been there already, he doesn’t care for a repeat.

So he bites his tongue, holds tight on Seth’s shoulders and loses himself in the abyss of just another orgasm.

 

Neil is gorgeous, but somehow off-limits. Andrew is suspicious of him, and Nicky gets it, really, but there’s something to the aura of danger that calls to the side of Nicky that wants to—

No. No, no, no, he’s not going there. He hasn’t been in that trap for years, Erik made sure of it. He’s not— He’s not suicidal, not for a long time. And this is just sex, nothing more. Not even that, actually.

He kisses Neil mostly to tell himself that’s it.

 

Shit goes down the way it always does with the Foxes. Nicky watches the disaster unfold around Neil and the guilt in his belly festers. He tries an apology, after Andrew takes Neil in, and he doesn’t get full forgiveness, but he knows better than to push now.

He wakes up to nightmares every night now. He dreams of Erik and cries, then he gets up and texts Seth. When Seth’s awake and in a foul mood, they take it to the common showers, lock themselves into a stall and Nicky takes it until he feels like crumbling on the floor and staying there for the rest of his life.

One time, Seth looks at him and frowns. “You’re seriously fucked up, aren’t you?,” and it’s probably the longest he’s ever spoken to him without throwing a slur in, so he bursts out laughing.

God,  _yes_ , he so is.

 

Considering how paranoid the kid is, Nicky’s not that surprised that he’s heard Seth slip away. He’s much more surprised at how confused Neil looks.

“He treats you like shit when other people are looking,” he points out after confronting Nicky about it. Nicky wonders if he’s bothering with this because he thinks of the monsters as people he cares for, but he doesn’t think that’s it. Probably, he’s just pissed at being woken up every other night and confused.

Nicky grins, but it’s a fake thing. “Oh, trust me, he doesn’t treat me any better when we’re alone.”

Neil frowns harder, but Nicky leaves before he gets to ask.

 

Never in his wildest dreams Nicky would have expected Neil to talk to Andrew about Seth. Quite the oversight on his part.

“Hey, Nicky, hey!” he’s grinning like a maniac, and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Not the blade aimed at his sternum, but the knowledge that Andrew is in this state because of him. “What the fuck are you doing, uh?”

Nicky shrugs. He can’t really tell much else with Kevin, Neil and Aaron staring at them like he’s just grown a second head. “Having fun?,” he asks.

Andrew’s eyes flash dark. “It doesn’t sound fun.”

No, Nicky supposes it’s not. He just shrugs and keeps quiet. Andrew leaves.

 

Nicky is not surprised when Seth texts him to stay the fuck away from him and to keep his psycho of a cousin away too.

It hurts surprisingly little, considering for how long this went on.

It hurts only some more when Seth dies.

 

Neil is so goddamn nosy when he wants to. Nicky finds it funny only because he focuses so much on Andrew he misses clues for everything else.

Nicky watches him do what he’s never managed to. Slowly, stubbornly, sassily, he fixes the broken mess that were the Foxes, or most of them at least.

“Who is Erik?” Nicky’s world gets pulled roughly from under his feet, but Neil just keeps staring at him. “You mumble his name when you have nightmares. I thought it might have been one of the men who attacked you, but Roland says it’s not like that.”

Nicky hates that he can’t resent Roland for talking.

Neil prods, prods, prods. But truth is, there’s no one to prod at. Nicky stopped existing somewhen long ago.

 

When worse comes to worst, it does so spectacularly bad.

Nicky should have known better than trusting his parents, and his cousins got hurt because of that. Again. Again, again, again, why is it always him?, he’s so much of a monster.

His skin itches to find someone to hurt him, he doesn’t even care about getting off right now, he shouldn’t, really, shouldn’t, but Andrew and Aaron need him, need him, need him for as much as he can be there without hurting them even more.

Then Andrew leaves and Neil takes over, careful, obedient. Nicky is so lost he just lets them do.

He finds Matt in the showers a few days later, and the guilt and the horror and the fear are so big he kind of forgets about Dan. Matt is as gentle in rejecting him as he is with everything else.

He looks at him and says, “I think you need someone to talk to more than someone to fuck you, Nicky.”

It’s really different from how it was with Roland. For once, they’re both half naked; for twice, the world is ending around them.

Matt hugs him, which is nice, somehow. He’s built and strong and tall, and Nicky is not as much in denial not to notice how similar to Erik he is in body.

“You should try reaching out to him,” he says. “You never know. It might be different now.”

It’s been three years. Nicky doubts anything’s different at all.

 

Andrew comes back. The teams does not break down under his return. It’s better than expected, though with ups and downs.

At least, until Neil disappears.

 

Nicky swears to himself, he’ll never set foot in Baltimore again. Ever.

 

Neil heals, Andrew and Aaron fight, Aaron and Nicky change room to move in with Matt.

They get to the finals agains the Ravens and the world’s a bit brighter than it was. Nicky thinks it’s been months since he last had unsafe sex with anyone, and more than a month since he’s had any sex at all, but he’s doing mostly okay.

Neil, the twins, Kevin, Matt, they all look out for him. Each one in their own way, yeah, but it’s fine.

They step into the court ready to face the Ravens. There’s people on the stands that everyone goes to meet,  _even Andrew_ , so Kevin, Neil and Nicky are left with Wymack.

Nicky can’t stop thinking that he’d called Wymack being a Daddy since day one, but for once it’s just a joke, and the pull he’d felt that day is nowhere to be found.

Neil scans the bleachers with a frown, then takes off to a man in a suit which worries Nicky only for a bit before Kevin mutters, “his uncle”, and calms him down.

Then he blinks, because he doesn’t need hallucinations before the match. Nope, no, no, absolutely not.

Except Matt is shaking hands with the hallucination so does it mean Nicky has been hallucinating about Matt too? But that would mean he’d hallucinated Dan too, right?, because how can she date someone who doesn’t exist? Then what about Renee and Allison? What about Seth? What about—

Erik looks up. He follows Matt’s pointing finger to Nicky and, oh, yes, he’s got green eyes.

 

Kevin grumbles something about inviting Erik to every match if he can make Nicky run like that. It’s a joke mostly to break the tension of Riko almost killing Neil on national TV and Andrew  _definitely_ breaking his arm in retaliation.

Nicky doesn’t laugh. He’s too busy plopping himself on a bench and start trembling, utterly out of control. He can’t do this, he can’t.

Matt kneels in front of him and Aaron has a hand awkwardly on his shoulder. Andrew is staring at him, the frown on his face, while Neil looks once again lost.

Wyamack knocks on the door, tells them to hurry up because they have people to meet. 

Nicky’s trembling gets worse, so Matt and Aaron wrestle him into clean clothes without bothering to try and shower him, then they go ready themselves while Andrew sits down besides him, keeping careful guard.

Nicky says, “He’s going to hate me.”

Andrew replies, “Then he’s an even bigger idiot than you.” Somehow, Nicky thinks to hear,  _And I’ll kill him_ , too, but he’s not sure.

 

In one reality, Nicky and Erik break up.

In this reality, Nicky and Erik meet again in a corridor. Nicky is sweaty and stinks and trembles; while Erik is perfectly dressed and composed, but betrayed by the bags under his eyes and the moisture shining them.

Erik says, “I missed you. I love you,” as first things. Only later he seems to remember place and occasion and, blushing a bit, he scratches his head as he offers some compliment for the match. Which makes no sense because Nicky knows that Erik knows jack shit about Exy.

Nicky giggles, then laughs, then cries. He flings himself into Erik’s arms and there’s no hesitation in the hug that engulfs him immediately later. Once again, he’s babbling. “ _I’m sorry_ ”s and “ _I missed you_ ”s and “ _It hurt so much_ ”s. He sobs, “ _I don’t want to lose you again._ ”

Erik tightens his grip. “Good,” he says, and his accent his heavy, marked more than Nicky knows he usually speaks, and it sounds a little like a bark and a little like absolute dedication. It’s a joke to make him laugh, he knows, but it’s also raw honesty. “I don’t plan on letting you leave my sight again anytime soon.”

For a threat, it sounds terribly nice.

 

In no reality Nicky fails to go back to Erik.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr at @agapantoblu


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